The Fog is Almost gone...

It’s been an interesting first couple of days of the Daniel fast. The key focus of the first three days was withdrawal from sugar/gluten and withdrawal from Facebook. I’ve typically not been consuming much sugar or gluten. But I had fallen off the wagon after being in Ontario in June to visit family. My mother made her famous chocolate pie-by-the-yard, roll kuchen, and other items that I at first resisted and then downed with pleasure. Since then I’d not really climbed back on the wagon, so withdrawals on that score have been much worse this time than when I did the fast previously.

I was surprised to realize how often my mind went to Facebook and how much I missed checking in first thing in the morning as well as at night.

Today, I feel great! A little foggy and tired still from the sugar/gluten withdrawal but good otherwise.

One of my brothers forwarded me a devotional this morning. This section of the devotional in particular struck me: James 1:14 says that sin “lures” and “entices” us into believing it provides life, gives pleasure, or fills needs.

As I said in my earlier post , I don't think that there is anything wrong with Facebook per se but my focus and attitude were no longer right...I was seeing it too much as a 'source of life' rather than going to the true Source and/or connecting with people directly. Yesterday morning I was back on schedule in having my morning time with God as I used to. It had become too much of a habit to quickly check work emails and then scroll on FB for awhile. By that time it was usually too late to do my devotions or when I did it was a quick perusal of the reading for the day and minimal prayer. How good it felt to start the day properly with Him! How I have missed that!

I expect that I will still be on FB when I’m done the 21 day fast (unless I hear clear direction to do otherwise) but I plan to be more disciplined in my viewing habits...and I want to be more disciplined both in my time with God and in making personal contact one on one with people I care about rather than relying so much on the false ‘intimacy’ of FB.

I've also started back at the gym and have done the circuit a few times. I've always walked a lot but had not been doing anything else regularly for awhile. Feels so good.

It’s interesting how the fast and my One Word for 2013, ‘discipline’, are much intertwined.

The fast continues…

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Look and See

Today my friend Cyndi posted a good blog with the following Psalm in it that struck a chord for me during this time of the Daniel Fast (and, as stated in yesterday's post, fasting from Facebook as well.) Here is a portion of it:

Psalm 34
1 I will thank the Lord at all times.
My lips will always praise him.
2 I will honor the Lord.
Let those who are hurting hear and be joyful.
3 Join me in giving glory to the Lord.
Let us honor him together.

4 I looked to the Lord, and he answered me.
He saved me from everything I was afraid of.
5 Those who look to him beam with joy.
They are never put to shame.
6 This poor man called out, and the Lord heard him.
He saved him out of all of his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord stands guard
around those who have respect for him.
And he saves them.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Blessed is the man who goes to him for safety.
9 You people of God, have respect for the Lord.
Those who respect him have everything they need.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry.
But those who look to the Lord have every good thing they need.

17 Godly people cry out, and the Lord hears them.
He saves them from all of their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken.
He saves those whose spirits have been crushed.

19 Anyone who does what is right may have many troubles.
But the Lord saves him from all of them.
20 The Lord watches over all of his bones.
Not one of them will be broken.

22 The Lord sets those who serve him free.
No one who goes to him for safety will be judged.

The Face Off: Facebook or His Face.

I’m doing the Daniel Fast again this year.

Some of you may remember that I did it a couple of years ago. I did it for spiritual reasons that time which in itself was a tremendous blessing. But I also benefited in ways that I’d not expected. Namely, my badly sprained ankle was much better after those 21 days of clean eating.

A couple of weeks ago, as I was preparing for the fast I had the fleeting thought that I should perhaps go off Facebook during this time but then completely forgot about it.

Until last night.

Last night I was talking to God, telling Him that I really wanted to hear Him during this time. Immediately, I heard in my mind, ‘Then turn off Facebook.’

Shoot!! Can you say: Ambivalence?

I DO want to hear him.

But as someone who is an extrovert living alone and working 100% from home I’ve often said that my friends and family on Facebook are my ‘water cooler chat’ people. It’s my out let, my connection to the world in between sessions with clients. I haven’t even turned it off yet but I’m already going through withdrawals…seriously. So, while there is nothing wrong with being on Facebook per se this tells me that I’ve made it a little too much of a source of life.

I do want to hear Him. With no “But…” I want Him to be my sole source of life. I am looking forward to how He will change my heart as I am obedient to Him in this time.

“Turn off Facebook and seek My Face.”

“Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4

(I’m sure that I will be blogging during this time as God opens my heart and eyes to the things that He wants to teach me. But…I will not be sharing those blogs on Facebook during this time.)

Here goes...

My One Word for 2013: Discipline

Having grown up in a legalistic environment the word “discipline” has been somewhat of a tricky one for me. Intellectually I've grasped the concept. Historically it has been a word which connotes harsh punishment and strict obedience of rules. It’s a word which makes me feel like I am only loved if I do all the right things. It's a place where there is little room for loving, accepting relationship. As one who loves the LORD, and as one whose goal it has been to be pleasing to God, I used to work diligently to do it all perfectly. The consequences of this view of being disciplined was a burnout in my late 30’s.

Needless to say then, I feel slightly ambivalent as I’ve realized that my One Word for 2013 is indeed the word “Discipline”. It feels like a slippery slope back to strict adherence to rules at the expense of relationship and grace. But thankfully I have continued to grow in the grace of God. He has taught me so much about his unconditional love and his acceptance of me. I know my FATHER. So I also feel excited about the prospect of truly internalizing and appropriating this word in the context of his love for me as his daughter. (see: Hebrews 12:5-11)



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A Special Man Remembered

Twenty years ago today a very special man left this world. His name is Rudy and he entered my life when I had just left an unhealthy on again/off again relationship that I’d been in throughout my 20’s.

He had a gentle laid back unpretentious personality with an inquisitive nature. He would travel a great distance to churches that had pipe organs so that he could play them. He loved nature and he taught me to see beauty in so many things when we went on walks. He cooked me some wonderful meals (the way to a not-so-domestic girls heart. ;) )

He knew all sides of me but cared about me anyway…and he met me when I was still pretty crusty. When others put me down or were hard on me he had such a way of picking me up and affirming me in the exact area where they’d hurt me. He had my back, he cheered me on.

From him, I received respect that I’d not had before from a man. When he was planning to leave his dental practice to pursue a different career he took me out for dinner at a fancy restaurant to tell me about it so that I wouldn’t hear it from someone else first. He was the first man that I told about my childhood sexual abuse and, while I feared it would alienate him, it made us closer instead.

Even after he died, he made me feel valued when I found out that he left money to me in his will. And his parents further made me feel so special when they mailed me what was left in his estate after everything was settled…feeling that he would want me to have it. Although I’d have much rather had him alive, this gift came while I was doing my degree and helped tremendously.

Lest you think I’ve totally idealized him, let me tell you that I’ve not forgotten about how human he was. He was a little anal about things…which would have made me nuts in the long run. For example, he had all of his CD’s arranged in alphabetical order, and labeled on the back with the place and price of purchase. If you asked where anything was when you were at his place he could tell you the precise positioning of the item.

(This picture was taken after a tacky tourist party we had. Rudy used this as his Christmas card photo that year.)

He also wasn’t very handy. One day he offered to come over to help me with the lawn mower…so nice of him to offer…but I knew more about it than he did. 
And he was clumsy…if anyone were to sit on the one chair in the room that was about to break and crumple to the floor, it would be him.Which reminds me…if either of us did something stupid in a group of people we could look at the other and see acceptance there…and that made it okay.

He was a special guy. And...especially on an anniversary date like today…I still miss him.

Too Holy to touch?

A woman that I know recently bought The Message version of the Bible. She’s been growing spiritually and has been excited about practicing the presence of Jesus in all aspects of her life. She wondered this week about the fact that she has difficulty actually opening the Bible and reading in it. In fact, seeing it on her bedside stand intimidated her so she hid it in the drawer. She was sad about this but couldn’t figure out why this was so.

I mentioned to her that I’d written a blog awhile ago about how much my old Bible has become an old friend that I cannot part with because it’s underlinings tell the story of my journey with God. Fear struck into her at the thought of marking the Bible…as though this ‘book’ is too sacred to mark up. This kind of reaction had not even occurred to me when I wrote the post but I can fully understand where it came from for her.

As we spoke further she realized that this belief is related to her upbringing…similar to how she thought in the past that she couldn’t talk to God directly, that she had to go through a priest. Prior to this, she would have said that her religious background played very little of a role in her life but this conversation made her realize that it had in fact impacted her greatly. Her reaction to my revelation about my Bible brought back some memories for her.

As a child she was an altar girl in her church…

The Bible was big…it was gold…it had its own altar. The altar girls washed their hands thoroughly before even going anywhere near it. It got ‘incensed’ and was put in a little window until it was opened by the father. One didn’t just put it on ones lap and flip through it. It needed a shrine.

As she spoke she realized that this is why the sight of her Bible beside her bed intimidates her. This scene plays in the back of her mind when she sees it there. Then she doesn’t feel worthy to go near it, much less to read it on her own. She wonders how she got this far in life without the realization that the Bible is a book that anyone can touch and be near…and read…without the pomp and circumstance. She is intrigued by the realization of this long held belief and is still processing it.

The thought of marking it up still is not something that she can picture herself doing in the near future.

I’ve had the privilege of watching her grow in her personal relationship with God over the past year, and I’ve listened to how much she enjoys recognizing His presence in every detail of her life. So I have no doubt that she will soon hold The Message on her lap and regularly read it for herself since this is her desire. I look forward to hearing about how the Holy Spirit breathes life into the words of this 'book' for her...

STORIES: Boring or inspiring?

One day when he joined my immediate family for a picnic in the park, my maternal Grandfather told a few stories. He was apologetic afterward believing that we would not be interested in hearing stories from an 'old man'. I can't speak for my brothers but I loved them. I wish that we would have encouraged him to tell us many more stories about his life and the life of his family.

In September, I’m going to visit my family in Ontario for a few weeks. I have started a list of the stories that I want my mom to tell me so that I can write about them. You've heard about

the difference between Mennonite religion and culture. I've also given you a picture of Sunday afternoons in the colonies. Since I’ve told you about weddings, I thought it might be interesting to have an explanation of the dating ‘rituals’ that preceded the tjast.

Mom has told me in the past about the process of baking for a family of 17 in an outdoor oven. That and other stories of growing up in a family of that size without the benefits of electricity and automobiles are bound to be stories of interest.

I also want to get the story behind a wonderful photo that I have of her brothers building a whole outdoor miniature village which they played with for days (partial photo posted here).

Other stories will emerge as well, I'm sure. And perhaps photos out of the ‘archives’ to go along with them.

Stories...definitely inspiring!