I Fall Down, I Get Up...

I’ve been letting you in on the good parts of my Daniel Fast journey. Now I also want to confess the struggles.

All day yesterday and first thing this morning I was feeling weak in this fast thing…I felt like tossing it…I cheated on the eating…I was trying not to but I was giving in to the doubting thoughts which had crept into my mind. I didn’t know where those thoughts were coming from.

Driving to McD's to get breakfast early this morning (I told you I cheated…hehe) I was thinking about these thoughts of quitting…knowing I didn’t really want to…and all the while singing :

I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong...


As I prayed my confused prayers, as I sang…and yes, as I ate my McD’s breakfast (which didn’t taste nearly as good as I’d imagined) I started to realize a few things.

The Daniel Fast is about petitioning God for specific things. I’ve asked Him for something very specific that’s been an albatross since my youth. It hinders me at times not only in my personal life but in my ministry for Him. I’ve not been able to breakthrough on my own in the 50ish years that it has been there. It’s a biggie.

All of a sudden I realized that my niggling thoughts of quitting, of hopelessness, of not trusting that even God could break through, started when I saw the definition of a word which spoke directly to the petition that is before the LORD at this time. These thoughts were strengthened when, around the same time, I saw a photo on someone’s blog which triggered memories of where I first got stuck with this issue. Two triggers…that stayed in the shadows until I chose to acknowledge them for what they were this morning. I realize now that the timing of these triggers were from the LORD, that they are getting me to go to the root of this issue that I am asking His help for.

This morning, I put it all down in writing in my journal, I confessed my doubts, I acknowledged my fear, and I let Him take my hand in His once again. In the midst of it all, I was able to be gracious with myself in my slip. Instead of getting into ‘all or nothing’ thinking, instead of seeing my fast as a failure now, I saw it for what it was, forgave myself…and I’m back on track.

I don’t know how God will answer my petition. I can relate to Sarah of Old Testament fame. She waited for years for God to answer her plea for a child…she took things into her own hands at one point…and had pretty much given up on ever having one of her own. Lest you think that I’m pining for a child, let me be quick to assure you that my petition isn’t the same as hers. But the concept is the same. I don't know how He will answer...or when...but I am going to choose to trust Him, to trust that even though I’ve not been able to break through in all these years…He can and will…in His time…in His way.

Psalm 27: 14 Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

Speaking of Simplicity...

"...don't be anxious about your life, about what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6: 25-33

Understanding all that that implies and to do so is to live in simplicity.

Richard Foster in his book Celebration of Discipline states that freedom from anxiety is one of the inward evidences of seeking first the kingdom of God. This freedom from anxiety is characterized by 3 inner attitudes:

1. If what we have we receive as a gift from God (i.e. live by grace in dependence on God),
2. If what we have is to be cared for by God (i.e. we trust that He is able to protect what we have) and
3. If what we have is available to others (i.e. we share all that we have with anyone in need).

The reason that we find it so difficult to make what we have available to others is because of our fear of the future. We cling to things rather than share because we are anxious about tomorrow. Taken together, these 3 attitudes define what Jesus meant when he said, "Do not be anxious..."

Foster further states that this inner reality is not a true reality until there is an outward expression. He believes that there are 10 controlling principles for this outward expression:

1. Buy things for their usefulness rather than their status

2. Reject anything that is producing an addiction in you...refuse to be a slave to anything but God.

3. Develop a habit of giving things away. If you find that you are becoming attached to something, consider giving it away to someone who needs it. De-accumulate.

4. Refuse to propagandized by custodians of modern gadgetry since "new" features are often only a way of inducing us to buy what we do not need.

5. Learn to enjoy things without owning them. Owning things is an obsession of our culture. If we own it, we feel we can control it; if we can control it, we feel it will give us more pleasure. The idea is an illusion. Share things.

6. Develop a deeper appreciation for creation. Get close to earth. Walk. Listen to birds. Enjoy the texture of grass and leaves. Marvel at the rich colors everywhere...Psalm.24:1

7. Look with healthy skepticism at all "buy now, pay later" schemes. They are a trap and serve to deepen you bondage. Both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible condemn 'usury' for good reason. ("Usury" =charging interest which was viewed as an unbrotherly exploitation of another's misfortune, hence a denial of Christian community.)

8. Obey Jesus' instructions about plain, honest speech. Matthew 5:37 If you consent to a task, do it. Avoid flattery and half truths... honesty and integrity... reject jargon and abstract speculation whose purpose is to obscure and impress rather than to illuminate and inform.

9. Reject anything that will breed the oppression of others. May God give us prophets today who, like John Woolman, will call us "from the desire of wealth' so that we may be able to "break the yoke of oppression."

10. Shun whatever would distract you from you main goal of seeking His Kingdom and Righteousness.

Psalm 62:10-12 "If riches increase, do not set you heart upon them...Power belongs to God...For He recompenses a man according to his work."

Proverbs 11:28 "He who trusts in his riches will wither."

Hebrews 13:5 "Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have; for He has said, 'I will never fail you nor forsake you.' "

God give us courage, wisdom and strength always to hold as the number one priority of our lives to "seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness," understanding all that that implies. To do so is to live in simplicity.

Stepping Out...

I'm stepping out of the boat. In a way that makes no sense timing wise nor economically. But walking on water doesn't really make sense to the logical mind at any time does it? He's asking me to do it, so I'm doing it!

A few months ago, I felt that He was calling me to this and I asked Him to verify that it was indeed of Him which He did. When a month later I asked Him once again to show me that it was really what He was asking me to do, He said, "Hellen, I've already told you twice." Hmmmm...

I've never ever doubted His love...ever. I have however struggled in the area of trust because of childhood experiences. What a gracious, loving, patient God I am in relationship with! Slowly but surely He has led me...no He has coaxed me... to this point. In his book Daring to Live on the Edge, Loren Cunningham says, "What He wants is obedience to His prompting THEN He will miraculously provide your needs."

So, I'm stepping out of the boat. Admittedly now that I have made the decision I've spent a couple of days looking at the waves and wondering what the heck I've done. But I know that He is in this and, intellectually, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I keep my eyes on Him I will not sink...

Here we go...