“Doh!” moments in the "Ya, buts" of Joy!

My mind wandered as I was sitting on my bed preparing to read my evening devotional. I thought about how I’m not in touch with either of my ‘daughters’ very regularly anymore. I miss them. 

Throughout my 20's I lived with someone but I’ve never married. And while I’ve not borne any children there are  two great young women to whom I am Mother.  So last night I was about to let the sadness of this change with my daughters get me down. I was hearing myself say, “YA, BUT how can I be joyful when they’re both living so far away and communication has become so irregular?” 

In my mind I immediately  heard, “My joy is not in my circumstances; my joy is in Him.” Clear as a bell.

Doh! I know this! 

I’ve heard variations of this so many times that it’s become cliché. But something about this time felt different. I think it finally sunk in. 

I’ve known this but I didn’t KNOW this! 

As you may remember, my One Word for 2014 is JOY ! I am asking the LORD to help me find joy in those areas where I have difficulty seeing Him. So, yes, I’ve known this but this time it resonated! 

“In His presence there is fullness of joy.” (Psalm 16:11)

My joy is not in my circumstances; my joy is in Him. 

Right after I heard this statement in my mind, I was looking up the Scriptures related to my devotional when my eyes landed on Isaiah 54:1: 

"Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;

burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,"

says the LORD.

“Burst into song!! Shout for joy!!” He says.

Further on this chapter in verse 4 it goes on to say: 

"Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

I’m not a widow obviously but I’m going to count being unmarried here if I may. 

I don’t particularly feel any shame about not being married. Nor do I feel shame about not having borne children. I more so can tend to feel shame about how I am pigeon holed by others because of this. I can sometimes feel shame about being marginalized and pushed aside as a single woman.

God’s word says I will not be put to shame. This is one part of what my journey in learning joy is about this year. It’s about learning to see Him more fully in this scenario. It's about learning to find joy in Him regardless of how others view me in my singleness.

Verse 5 says:

For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

 My joy is not in circumstances; my joy is in my Husband.

I still miss my daughters. And my circumstances will continue to change for the rest of  my life. If I base my joy on them I’ll be on a roller coaster ride. But if my joy is in the LORD then I will walk on a more level path. I’m getting better at it. I’m catching myself more quickly when I go to the "ya, buts".

My joy is not in circumstances; my joy is in Him. 

P.S.  I don’t know how God speaks to you, but I have a sneaking suspicion that that clear voice I heard in my mind that night was the Holy Spirit giving me my catch phrase for 2014. 

JOY: It's not a Pollyanna thing.

My One Word for 2014 is JOY.

One of the first things I think of when I hear the word joy is a chipper childhood song: ‘I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart…”

Then I think of conjured-up-gritting-your-teeth smiles that say “I will be happy in the midst of everything”…a kind of forced joy where the insides don’t match the outsides.

I’m not talking about that kind of joy. No, this JOY thing I’m committing to for this year is not a Pollyanna type joy that refuses to acknowledge anything negative.

I’m talking about the ‘joy comes in the morning’ kind of joy that the Psalmist talks about in Psalm 30. It comes in the morning. What’s before the morning? Night. It’s dark out. It’s a struggle to see. Many times we want joy but we don’t want to have to go through the darkness to really find that true joy that comes in doing so. Many times we deny or attempt to rush through that darkness. Or we try to force light before The Light is turned on.

It’s about a Jacob-wrestling-God-through-the-night-for-the-blessing kind of joy.

Ann Voskamp says “...the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.”

So when I’ve committed to JOY for the year I’m not talking about incessant smiling, I’m not talking about a happy-happy-joy-joy-clapping-the-hands kind of thing.

I’m expecting to do battle. I’m expecting to wrestle with God in a couple of key areas where I still have difficulty seeing Him. I’ve opened the doors for Him to take me to those places.

It’s a process. I’m so far from where I was a few years ago. For that I am truly thankful. But I still have a couple of ace-in-the-hole places that I’ve held on to; that I’ve not released.

God began showing me clearly this past year that I’m in my current situation because He is teaching me total surrender. He’s teaching me to come to a place of true humility…not humiliation, not shame…but humility.

The places where I’m still stuck are partly because of pride. They are also about me wanting control because I don’t fully believe or trust Him to take control in these areas.

I’m seeing that much of it is about surrendering; a letting go of my plan, my agenda and being open to hearing and accepting His.

JOY is what I want in these areas where I still hang on to the illusion of control.

JOY is what I want in those areas where I have given intellectual assent to believing but when push comes to shove I don’t really act as if He is in that place.

My loving heavenly Father has prepared me well to come to this place at this point in time. Over the past year He has shown me just the right Scriptures and books to meditate on. I’ve heard the exact sermons needed to be able to hear His heart for me in all of this.

I don’t know how this year will look. I don’t know how the battle will go. I do know my God. I am so thankful that He is gracious and that it is His kindness that draws me to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

J-O-Y...I can't wait to see what the morning brings!

More Sunflowers and a little Vulnerability

I wrote you about how the sunflower icon on my gratitude app inspired me to begin to be grateful every time I see one anywhere. You need to know that I’ve not been into sunflowers so I’ve never noticed how truly ubiquitous they are. My chiropractor has a painting of one in his office because he’s from the Sunflower Capital of Canada.(photo above) Last night I noticed that one of my friends has canisters with a sunflowers. A number of commercials have them. A couple of weeks ago I went to a conference and one of the speakers used a sunflower as her Powerpoint graphic. Sunflowers are everywhere!

At first it felt like pressure to have to think of something to be grateful for each time I saw one. If you know me at all then you probably know that I’m prone to seeing the negatives in a new situation, and that I begin to see the positives only when I’ve warmed up to said situation…a sort of self protective defense mechanism. With this new practice, I’m now getting to the point where I’m looking for things to be grateful for…with or without the presence of a sunflower. I’m also making quick notes about what I want to remember to put on the app when I have the time. I’m consciously looking for and thinking of things that I am thankful for.

Some of my basic beliefs may be different than hers but Brene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, has valuable insights to share resulting from her research on Wholehearted living. She says that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works--it’s not alive. For example, people may talk about having an ‘attitude of gratitude’ but that doesn’t necessarily translate into a behaviour or action.

Brene writes that joy and gratitude can be very vulnerable and intense experiences…many of us have very little tolerance for vulnerability. So we think to ourselves: “I’m not going to allow myself to feel this joy because it won’t last.” Or “Acknowledging how grateful I am is an invitation for disaster.” And yet again, “I’d rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop.” Most of us, she says, have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up fear of loss.

On the face of it, who would have thought that choosing gratitude would bring out vulnerabilities. But it resonates with me as I think of how I’ve chosen that aforementioned negative attitude so much of my life. At the risk of vulnerability, and fear creeping in, I’m gradually learning to acknowledge the fear and then consciously lean into the situation, choosing gratitude. It feels good to be building this new habit.

How about you?

Rooted in the Rich Soil...

Rivendell, a Christian Retreat Centre on Bowen Island in British Columbia, Canada, was newly opened when I went there for my personal retreat in November 2002 so I had a whole floor to myself. I found Henri Nouwen’s book on the Prodigal Son in a cozy library/sitting room on 'my' floor. Each evening I got logs for the fireplace and settled in front of the fire to meditate on this book along with God's Word.

A reading during Chapel Prayers the first evening was the catalyst for things the LORD wanted to show me this weekend, and so began the writings in my journal:

Tonight during Chapel prayers, the Spiritual Director read Psalms 33:5 and John 12:24”

“The earth is full of the loving kindness of the LORD.” “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone, but if it dies it bears much fruit.”

Notice the connection between those two verses. Generally the thought of falling into the earth and dying brings to mind a cold, dark place but with this connection of God’s ‘loving kindness’ in the earth we get this sense of the richness of the soil embracing, enveloping, nurturing the grain in the darkness…FULL of the loving kindness of the LORD. What an awesome thought!

Suddenly, we get a deep sense of God’s goodness in the darkness, in the pain of dying to self…even being held and guided as we reach our way up... reaching up and out…out of the earth. Fresh growth finally breaks through to be kissed by the light of day…now growing and spreading…bearing fruit. All the while still rooted in that rich soil, needing to be firmly rooted in the earth…surrounded by His loving kindness.

“His loving kindness surrounds the person who trusts in Him.” (Psalm 32:10b) “Let Thy loving kindness, O LORD, be upon us according as we have hoped in Thee.” (Psalm 33:22)

Larry Crabb of New Way Ministries, says,

“Brokenness is realizing that He is all I have,
Hope is realizing that He is all I need,
Joy is realizing that He is all I want.”

As I further meditate on the Scripture verses above in connection with Crabb's quote, I sense that BROKENESS is the process of God’s hand sticking that grain deep…deeper…into the earth. It feels harsh! Uncaring! Cruel! It’s a feeling of being powerless, of being at His mercy. It seems as though He just pushes it into the ground and then leaves this one lone grain of wheat in the darkness and forgets about it. Death comes so slowly, so painfully, there in that black, cold, seemingly God forsaken place.

But HOPE is finally realizing the He has provided all that we need even in that dark place…all the best nutrients in the soil…the appropriate elements for growth…still in the darkness of the earth…but beginning to struggle less…beginning to relax…to trust that God has indeed provided all that is needed for growth…trusting that growth is happening. Rest. Relax. Rely. Even though we are still in the darkness, we are safe, secure and right on schedule…soon we will break through the ground and see the light of day…soon we will bear much fruit…soon…in God’s time.

JOY! Knowing that He is all we want! We come to realize that bearing fruit is a byproduct as we continue to reach for and respond to the Light that is stimulating growth in us!


Nouwen says:

“Celebration belongs to God’s Kingdom. God not only offers forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing, but wants to lift up these gifts as a source of joy for all to witness them.” “There is so much rejection, pain and woundedness among us, but once you choose to claim the joy hidden in the midst of all suffering, life becomes celebration. Joy never denies the sadness but transforms it to a fertile soil for more joy.” “People who have come to know the joy of God do not deny the darkness, but they choose not to live in it.”

“Make me know Thy ways, O LORD, teach me Thy paths. Lead me in Thy truth and teach me. For Thee I wait all day.” (Psalm 25: 4, 5)

Copyright 2002