Saturday, January 19, 2013
I Fall Down, I Get Up...
I’ve been letting you in on the good parts of my Daniel Fast journey. Now I also want to confess the struggles.
All day yesterday and first thing this morning I was feeling weak in this fast thing…I felt like tossing it…I cheated on the eating…I was trying not to but I was giving in to the doubting thoughts which had crept into my mind. I didn’t know where those thoughts were coming from.
Driving to McD's to get breakfast early this morning (I told you I cheated…hehe) I was thinking about these thoughts of quitting…knowing I didn’t really want to…and all the while singing :
I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong...
As I prayed my confused prayers, as I sang…and yes, as I ate my McD’s breakfast (which didn’t taste nearly as good as I’d imagined) I started to realize a few things.
The Daniel Fast is about petitioning God for specific things. I’ve asked Him for something very specific that’s been an albatross since my youth. It hinders me at times not only in my personal life but in my ministry for Him. I’ve not been able to breakthrough on my own in the 50ish years that it has been there. It’s a biggie.
All of a sudden I realized that my niggling thoughts of quitting, of hopelessness, of not trusting that even God could break through, started when I saw the definition of a word which spoke directly to the petition that is before the LORD at this time. These thoughts were strengthened when, around the same time, I saw a photo on someone’s blog which triggered memories of where I first got stuck with this issue. Two triggers…that stayed in the shadows until I chose to acknowledge them for what they were this morning. I realize now that the timing of these triggers were from the LORD, that they are getting me to go to the root of this issue that I am asking His help for.
This morning, I put it all down in writing in my journal, I confessed my doubts, I acknowledged my fear, and I let Him take my hand in His once again. In the midst of it all, I was able to be gracious with myself in my slip. Instead of getting into ‘all or nothing’ thinking, instead of seeing my fast as a failure now, I saw it for what it was, forgave myself…and I’m back on track.
I don’t know how God will answer my petition. I can relate to Sarah of Old Testament fame. She waited for years for God to answer her plea for a child…she took things into her own hands at one point…and had pretty much given up on ever having one of her own. Lest you think that I’m pining for a child, let me be quick to assure you that my petition isn’t the same as hers. But the concept is the same. I don't know how He will answer...or when...but I am going to choose to trust Him, to trust that even though I’ve not been able to break through in all these years…He can and will…in His time…in His way.
Psalm 27: 14 Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.